LESS THAN ZERO?

In search of drinkable non-alcoholic wines

WINE REPORT: ZERO ALCOHOL, ZERO PLEASURE?

What is the best, most reasonable, way to assess wines that contain no alcohol? I’m not sure there is one. If I’m consuming wine fairly regularly, all of them will taste, at best, thin and, at worst, not even homeopathically like the real thing.

If, on the other hand, I have not had real wine for several weeks – and that’s where I am now – I am rather like a drowning man clutching at straws. Something that vaguely approximates to wine will seem to taste better than it really does.

So, having tasted a lot of alcohol-free wines over the past few weeks, what have I concluded?

First of all, alcohol-free wines are nowhere nearly as good as the best alcohol free beers (which, in my experience are the IPAs and similar styles; even Guinness 0.0 is vaguely convicing; forget the likes of Heineken and Erdinger, the former tasting of nothing, the latter being far too sweet for my palate).

The problem with having no alcohol in a wine is that there’s a gap, a gaping hole in the taste profile. And it has to be filled, almost always with sweetness. Sweetness can cover a multitude. If you like your wines bone dry, chalky dry, don’t even think about dealcoholized wines.

The most widely available non-alcoholic wines are comprise the  Natureo range from Torres of Spain. The white is a Muscat and while it’s very sweet, it does have a spicy varietal character, good acidic backbone and a faintly winey style. It has 47g of residual sugar per litre. The most you will get in an Amarone is 12g, Yellow Tail Pinot Grigio is 11g, Dada 12g,  Apothic 16.4g. A Riesling Kabinett will generally have between 30g and 60g per litre.

Natureo Muscat is good with scallops, foie gras and blue cheese – in something like the same way as a good Riesling Kabinett. Otherwise, it’s going to be too sweet for savoury dishes – except maybe a salty duck confit with a fennel and orange salad – and not sweet enough for, say, a meringue roulade.

I had a mouthful of the Natureo red and managed to swallow. To me it tastes – at best - of raspberry cordial and it seems to be from a planetary system where wine is unknown.

Arjolle Zero Sauvignon/Viognier from O’Brien’s has varietal character on the nose (green gooseberry/ a hint of peach) and is quite dry if thin but I’m struggling to accept that it has the claimed 5g/litre of residual sugar. It’s not bad and I’d certainly have it again, while I find the rosé just too sweet for comfort.

The Hollow Leg range from WineLab was disappointing, the red similar to Natureo but drier, the white rather cider-like but underwhelming and with a curiously unpleasant nose that didn’t suggest Albariño as advertised, and the white sparkler (more faintly petillant, to be honest) was grapey and not too sweet but nothing like actual wine.

So, was it all doom and gloom? No! Kolonne Null Riesling with 19g/litre of residual sugar tastes a lot drier than that figure would suggest and it actually smells and tastes of delicate white wine. It even has a distinctive Riesling character with a classic touch of petrol, more on the palate than on the nose. I drank most of a bottle at one sitting – but it had been a several weeks since I had tasted actual wine.

The sparkling version is the best non-alcoholic one that I’ve tried and like the Riesling it retains some winey character while being pretty crisp and making a stab at dryness. The red, too, is the most successful that I’ve tried but that’s not saying a whole lot. However, I’d be willing to try it well chilled on a sunny terrace with some charcuterie.

Kolonne wines are available from Mitchell’s, Green Man Wines and The Corkscrew.

My favourite non-alcoholic drink, apart from Highbank Orchards Driver’s Cider (a blend of sweet and dry apple juices from Kilkenny) is sparkling water with good squeeze of fresh lime juice. Very refreshing, properly grown-up and very, very cheap.